The Record.

This just needs a whole new post; when "Jay" gets a blog, he can state the record, until then, that is what I am here for. From the front seat, I could see the speedometer, it read 24 mph when I heard "Jay" say "I could get out and run this fast." That appearing to be a laughable statement, "Bill" did the math off of 20 mph because 24 base math is more difficult for someone who is driving and laughing than 20 base math. Let's face it, 24 base math is more difficult even if you have a calculator because like we all know, math is hard. So, if "Jay" is able to get a 20 mile an hour sprint, while I will be impressed, it will not be 24 mph.

If you don't read comments left in blogs, than you missed out this time. Please, do us all a favor and weigh in on the validity of this data: Two guys bs-ing. To give credit, the author of the linked thread appears to teach or research at Stanford. However, the rest of this thread is about weather a fast moving elephant is actually running, or just going fast and the application it might have to the question "did dinosaur's run?" The person who wrote in about human running speeds I think might just be wondering if he could out run an elephant, which isn't even relevant to the thread. "Jay" should for sure race that guy. While I don't think "Jay" can run 20 or 24 mph, I still think he could beat the elephant running guy. Also, the bit about running 27 mph, the author says "sprinters can hit ~27 mph at peak instantaneous speed" Not to sweat this guy but last time I checked instantaneous means done, occurring, or acting without any perceptible duration of time. So, runners can run 27 mph for an imperceptible period of time. I don't want to go into the list of super human feats I can manage for imperceptible periods of time, lets just say, it is quite long. Honestly, this is helpful. I now require that "Jay" run the 24 mph for a perceptible period of time. After all, not like 24 mph is 27 mph.

Incidentally, this conversation was all sparked from this Darwin Award in case anyone cares to check it out. Everyone knows Danish people run slow.

I think for the running experiment, the truck should be brought up to 24 mph, and "Jay" should get to start running before the truck even gets there. He should easily be able to get up to 24 mph and run evenly with the truck for a good 50 yards or so. Maybe there should be a second vehicle going 20 mph, just to see if he is hitting the easy figuring mark. Also, "Jay" will be positioned outside the truck to make sure death is not involved.

Odd, "Robbie Underpants" jumped from the back of my truck and it wasn't even going 15 mph, and everyone laughed at him for hitting the ground and rolling. "Robbie" looks equally built to run. I know it is all speculation... Science will bare out the truth. And by science I mean "Jay" trying to keep up with a car.

Faster than a slow moving car.

Today at lunch, my friend, again, we will just call him "Jay," over heard a conversation about being able to run as fast as the car was moving. He felt he could run as fast as we were currently driving. We were driving 24 mph at the time. I am not saying he can't, personally I am up for testing him, he has surprised me in the past. However, I strongly feel his judgment loses credibility with regard to kicking a dog's ass. Anyone who thinks he can go desk chair to 24 mph, even for a short burst, seems likely to have his ass handed to him by a dog... If he were to get in a fight with a dog. Anyone own a dog they think would win in a fight with a human? Or more specifically, with "Jay"? If so, I would like to borrow it to conduct some experiments. Good thing no one nailed down if the dog fight would be a surprise. I find usually fights with animals are not planned events. One of these days, when "Jay" unlocks his office in the morning, the experiment will be ON! The dog fight one I mean. Maybe the running one can be right after that.

Expressions I don't hear enough.

I don't know, maybe it is that I lead a boring life? Maybe it is that I don't look for enough action or adventure? Maybe it is that I have a desk job and not some other job that gets me out and about more? I don't know. What I do know are these are phrases I don't think I hear often enough:

"Wow, I didn't think the whole thing would catch on fire."
"This isn't toothpaste after all."
"Did you know this was loaded? Personally, I thought it wasn't."
"We will totally fit."
"No, I am sure it doesn't bite."
"We will get there in plenty of time."
"It isn't sharp enough to cause any damage."
"That is balanced up there perfectly."
"It isn't heavy enough to crush anything."
"I am positive this is secure."
"Poisonous? Don't be absurd."
"Something smells funny, and by funny, I mean unnatural."
"It's almost the same as a bananna, only deadly."
"I don't think you will need a harness, it isn't that high."
"Pretty soon we should really have this thing serviced."
"No worries, this is foolproof."
"Becareful sticking your hand in there, that thing is sharp and fast."
"I don't see how it could possibly blow up."
"Doctor's are a waste of time, just be a man about it."
"No one is going to see us doing this."
"I have done this a million times before."
"I know what it looks like, but cheese isn't naturally occuring."
"Try staring right at it, let it know whose boss."
"It isn't that far down."
"It doesn't look infected to me."
"Sell by dates are a joke, it smells fine to me."
"This does not leave a stain."

I could write this into infinity, so I guess now is as good a time to stop as any.

Wrong.

I am thinking of writing a menu of food that I wouldn't eat. Everyone knows Grapple Pie would be on it. Here are a few other things that would be on the menu:
Laminated Beef Fingers.
Laminated Ham Fingers/ Ham Wings Pork Sauce
Mapple (an apple that tastes like meat)
Meat Slurpee
Chickuna
Pepto Bismol Ice Cream

Currently I am also working on a way to make Pepto Bismol a new condiment. It might not taste as good on a hotdog as just ketchup and mustard, but it will make you feel better after you have eaten it. It might also make into a good side dish at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Eat America! Eat all the Laminated Beef Fingers and Ham Wings you can hold, and when your pants are unbuttoned and you feel a little nauseous, reach for desert. That's Pepto Ice Cream! Cold, yummy and pink! If Pepto Ice Cream isn't your flavor, at least try Pepto bits on your regular ice cream, or salad, whichever. I have in mind a plastic ketchup bottle that is Pepto pink instead of red. It would be just as ok to top ice cream with it as a cheap steak. You could even drip a sliced up grapple in it.

My Humps.

Has everyone heard this song? Currently, you can see the video here: My Humps. This post isn't a statement of the nature of the song, I am sure after watching the video, or even hearing the song, it is clear that the Black Eyed Peas are masterful artists at the very top of their craft. The two dudes in the video that don't even say anything are maybe the best, but I am already straying from the point I want to make.

When I heard this song, I felt old. And not because watching the video made me wonder what is the matter with today's youth. There are parts of the song I just don't understand... I don't understand why you would ask someone "what you gona do with all that ass inside those jeans?" All that ass sounds like "Hey fatty, bring your big fatty ass over here, I mean if you aren't busy with it." All that ass. All of it. The whole entire monstrosity you have in those jeans, what are you gona do wif it? Maybe take it for a run on the treadmill? (incidentally, this isn't my take on Fergie's ass, which I find remarkable. To clarify, I find her ass remarkable. It is worth remarking over, which I have now done to prove it. I don't know whose ass the guy is talking about, even though he is looking at hers? Very confusing.)

"What you gona do wif all that breasts, all that breasts inside that shirt?" Honestly, this isn't even English. However, it is art, so I will give some leeway and pretend 'all that breasts' is acceptable English. This isn't as confusing, women seem to want bigger breasts judging only by how many women seem to be getting implants. But all that breasts? All of it. I dunno, why not at least say "them". It sounds like he is wanting to make sure that, if he has the opportunity to do anything with her breasts, he wants to make sure she doesn't forget part of them somewhere. "Oh all that breasts? I only bought some of that breasts inside my shirt. I wish you would have said you wanted all that breasts louder honey."

The part I am thoroughly confused over, and I am pretty sure I am not the only one... "Mix your milk with my cocopuff, milky milky cocopuff..." What? Seriously? This is a delicate topic, so I will try not to be vulgar. If he would have said his milk and her cocopuffs, case closed. That makes sense, surprisingly. If he would have said "mix some milk wit some cocopuffs," that leaves it open to something sexual or something breakfasty. Being that he is a black man, I can understand where he might have a couple of cocopuffs. But the rest of the song doesn't seem to be about a lactating fetish, so that interpretation seems totally out of context. Apart from that, I am not sure I wanna know where the milk is coming from to mix with his cocopuffs? Which leaves me hanging, is there some awesome thing they know about and I don't? Would I want to have milk mixed with my cocopuffs if I knew how to go about it? Do I even have cocopuffs? Maybe I would want milk mixed with my Kix or Frankenberries? Or maybe I don't want that at all? Maybe I want nothing to do with any milk getting mixed with anything of mine?

The whole thing is vexing. I am vexed.

measured amounts

First, I reserve the right to add types of measurements that I might have inadvertently left out. Also, by way of a thesis, I will give you commonly used amounts with the little known matching numeric definitions, with a discussion of not so commonly used amounts and a discussion of their meaning.
Commonly, I find myself faced with this dilemma: Someone asks me:
"May I have some."
Some? Doesn't matter what I am giving some of, what matters is how much is some? When someone asks me for say, some m&m's. Do I have any idea what the amount difference is between some and a handful? What about a few? "Can I have a few of those?"
What if I accidentally give some instead of a few? What about a lot?
"This isn't a lot of those, this is only a few."
"It is more than a few, it is some!"
"Well, it might be some, but I asked for a lot."
"I don't have a lot to give you, here, just have a handful."
"I want more than a handful, you have tons!"
"I don't have tons, I hardly have any"
"You have a buttload!"
"Will, you could have had some, or a handful, but since you are a complainer, you may only have a couple."

No one has any idea what the amount was to begin with, nor what it got whittled down to. But now, this will never happen to you again:

Regular Scale Measurements:

one= 1 single one.
a couple= two
a few= 3-7
some= 8-19
a lot= 20-33

Outside of this regular scale of measurement, are overlapping measurements.

Nonstandard Scale of Measurements:

a handful= 6-23 (it has a broad scope. A handful can be as few as "a few", or as many as a small "a lot")
many= 25-41 ("many" starts in the "a lot" category, but surpasses its cap. In fact, it surpasses the volume of the whole regular scale of measurements)
a bunch= 17-29 ("a bunch" is similar in scope to "many," but is lesser in volume. Also, don't confuse the "a bunch" numeric measurement with the very similar adjective "a cluster." Clusters are tricky. They a given amount of one type of thing, stuck together into one thing. Peanut clusters being an obvious example. A not so obvious example are flowers. Common misusage of measurement language is to say, "I brought you a bunch of flowers," which is a misnomer. Correct usage is "I brought you a cluster of flowers." But cluster of flowers sounds wrong, so bunch is typically misappropriated for this use.)

There is a third category, the scope of which doesn't fit either the Standard or Nonstandard. The third set is called the Staggering System of Measurement. Staggering measurements are measurements that seem big enough that quantifying them, while not impossible, seems either daunting, or in some other way, undesirable.

Staggering System of Measurement:

A buttload-Assload
Tons
Gajillions

No numeric values are fixed to these because ultimately, who knows how many there are ?

The discussion of not so commonly used amounts, or the Arcane System of Measurement, will be further expounded in a future post. This post is probably enough new information to digest at once.