Superheros

I grew up watching superheros do this and that on TV, but never really gave them a lot of thought beyond their sheer humanity saving entertainment value.  Until now.  This morning, I was laying in bed, looking at the various super hero pictures on my pajamas. I don't think any of them make sense.  For instance:

Superman

Lets just say something bad was going to happen to this planet, so I made a rocket and went to a planet that had people that look just like me, only it had a red sun.  Because of this red sun, I can now fly, I have x-ray vision, and I can deflect bullets and my strength is off the charts.  I know, already a huge stretch.  But lets just say it happened.  Why, then, is my only weakness a rock from the planet that I came from?  Seriously, my weakness is dirt clods?  Really?  I used to play with dirt clods back on my home world, but now that is the only thing that can kill me.  Huh.

Also, I would have all those rad super powers because of the sun, right?  Why does this guy look like he works out every waking moment he isn't fighting crime.  He has his powers because of the sun, not because of his Gold's Gym membership.  The sun makes him strong.  I don't get why he looks like a walking/flying human tank.  He should look a lot more like a graphic designer, or a software engineer.


The Green Lantern

Why does the Green Lantern looks like he could bench press a car when really all he ever did was tell his ring to make some crazy thing to stop criminals.  Seriously, I never saw the Green Lantern use his ring to make giant weights that he would lift.  I would wear that faggy ring for those abs.  My word.  I would like to eat some scrambled eggs off abs like that.  This guy has no body fat, yet he doesn't even do anything physically.  He just dreams up crazy business that the ring then makes. How does that get you those shoulders?  It doesn't.

And why the mask?  Did he have a normal life beyond being the Green Lantern?  Isn't that a full time gig?  If I had that ring, and I wasn't busy using it to fight crime, I would use it to make a comfy house with a giant bed and a huge TV.  Why do you need money when you have that ring?  And if you don't need money then why do you hide your identity?  It makes no sense...

Plus, if you're a superhero and you can do what you want, why the tights?  Who wants to wear a full body leotard?  No one I know.  Even if I had a body like that, I would still rather my crime fighting get up be some cargo shorts, vans and a tank for the summer and something like Cobain would have worn for the winter.  At least Green Lantern didn't have a cape.


The Flash

That running super fast can even make you a super hero is pretty much stupid to begin with...  But I will go along with it for laughs and pretend that running super fast is a legit super power... Common sense = suspended.  So, sure, he runs really fast and that totally helps with fighting crime.  Do you see this guys lats?!?!  Do you see them?  Look at his lats.  Just look at them.  Did you look?  I said look at them.  What runner has lats like this?!  This is not the way people that run really fast look.  The best part of this picture is that his legs aren't even in it, which should be his best part.  His quads should look like tree trunks to keep his knees in order.  His chest should NOT look like that.  All that upper body weight would make it so he could run really fast, but only in a straight line.  And why is he so tall?!  That high center of gravity would make high speed direction changes impossible.


                                                                                                                          Carl Lewis

I bet Carl would laugh his ass off because The Flash is white.  Tons of super fast guys are white.  Makes perfect sense that The Flash is bone white.  Carl here won lots of gold metals because he is fast.  One of the fastest humans that ever lived.  Look at his lats.  Look at them!!  Would you look at his lats?!  Oh, you say you can't see them?  Yeah, me neither.  That's because to be one of the fastest humans on the planet, giant lats just aren't necessary.  In fact, I would guess they would work against you.  Carl seemed to think so, that's why he doesn't have any.  You know there could never be a super hero like The Flash.  If there was one, he would be black, and black men have more fashion sense than to wear red tights.  Black Flash with look like shaft, and he wouldn't run at all because he would be too busy being cool.

Aquaman

This is just sad.  Talking to fish and hanging out underwater is a super power now?  At least this guy looks more like Micheal Phelps. Fins on his calves though, and no webbed feet?  Srsly, what crime takes place underwater?  Who ever heard of an underwater mugging?  Do submarines get jacked?  I don't think that they do.  This guys greatest contribution to the hall of justice would likely be finding car keys and bags of weed lost by surfers while surfing.  "Great job, Aquaman.  That is a huge bag of lost car keys, change and refer.  We need to go stop some crimes on land, watch the base, we should be back in a couple of hours!"


I would love to see a fight between Wolverine and Aquaman.  Wolverine would make Aquaman look like an overweight 5 year old.