1 word.

Mantaffy.

Grapple, part 2.

Eating healthy has never been this much fun!
Experience the evil, souless new flavor of Grāpple™ brand apples. Imagine the sweet distinctive abominationy flavor of innocent Concord grapes combined with the crispness of a fresh, juicy, virginy Washington Extra Fancy apple.
Because of the immoral dessert quality and unique, unrighteouss flavor, these apples are extremely contemptuous. They're great eaten out of hand, nailed to a cross, sliced up in salads, ritualistically sacrificed, served as before dinner appetizers or banished from existence. Try slicing one up and serving it to your friends along with a wedge of their favorite cheese. Your friends eternal souls will be lost into a pit of despairr and fiery damnation. Kids will avoid them at any cost as will dogs! Both can sense the Grāpple™'s loathsome nature and the stink of death. This makes them a perfect snack at home, at school, at sport functions or at backwoodsy pagan ceremonies. Their glowing expression will say it all... "WOW! Pass me another one! I might as well, I am already going to hell for the first one I unwittingly ate."
With childhood obesity increasing at alarming rates, Grāpple™ brand apples could go a long way to pulling the whole of our fatty children's asses into smoldering, scalding bowels of hell, all while introducing us to more produce.
Well, now it is time for you to enjoy this exceptional fruit that "Looks like an apple. Tastes like a grape and inbibes the very stink of death"™.
http://www.grapplefruits.com/

Seriously, if you have a fat kid that won't eat fruit already, why is one fruit that tastes like another fruit going to get anyone to eat more fruit. An apple that tastes like fries and a banana that tastes like a chocolate shake might work? The very thought of that makes my skin crawl, and I smell something....Brimestone?

Unholy bastard fruit.

I just got back from the grocery store. While picking up fruit, soda and of course, booze, can you imagine what I saw? You can if you go grocery shopping and look at apples. If you don't, you can't even imagine it. If curly, battered fries are affronts to God, then this thing is an abomination of all that is holy, true, right, just and innocent in this world and the next. A Grapple. You heard it here first, maybe. It is some kind of souless apple that tastes like a grape. I wasn't going to buy it and bring a curse upon my house, but I did smell the package. I will be damned if it didn't smell like grapes. But like Hubba Bubba grape gum, or Welch's grape soda, not real natural grapes. If I wanted something that tasted like a grape, I would eat, hmmmm, let me think, a grape? Or maybe even grape candy, or of course the aforementioned delicious Welch's grape soda. Why could I possibly want an apple that tasted like a grape? Why can't it taste like lemon cooler cake? Or like chocolate pudding? This made me think of an apple that might taste like steak and now I want to cry, and I don't want to eat. I can't be certain, but I think Grapples might have been mentioned in the book of Revelations. Thinking about this was like when I found out that everyone has a blind spot in each eye right in front of them. That still hurts my head.

Anger and Technology

It seems to me our phone related technology might have come just a little too far. Those old rotary phones were perfect for hanging up on someone. They were very sturdy, heavy plastic. Maybe not unbreakable, but nigh unbreakable. I could get pissed off, slam the phone to the receiver 3 or 4 times without breaking anything. The heavy weight of the phone felt good, the receiver was well balanced, the phone also made a satisfying, but faint "ringing" sound from the bells inside getting knocked around. Delightful, and very satisfying when you're angry. There is no doubt to the Jackass on the other end that they have been hung up on. It is for sure when you hear the party repeatedly slamming the phone down like a hammer to a bending nail.
Cordless phones and cell phones are ridiculous for this sort of thing. Pushing a button in anger is pathetic. It isn't satisfying, nor doesn't it properly convey your murderous intent. You can't pound on the off button. If you pound the phone on something it doesn't really hang up so much as it just breaks. The only thing you hear is the sound of splitting, cracking plastic. So not the same as that fainting ringing noise. Throwing a cordless phone or cell phone is mildly satisfying, but not in the same way. And seriously, if you're on a cell phone with a headset and you wanna hang up on someone, forget about it. Throwing a headset isn't even mildly satisfying.

New! Dockers Gum!

Imagine if the Dockers people made gum. Water resistant, wrinkle free gum. The freakiest gum ever, and perfect for casual Fridays.