The war on drugs.

I don't know when the war on drugs started?  Was it Nancy Reagen, or Billy Joel that started it?  Has it been going on longer than that?  I am sure I don't know.  I would say the 60s are famous for all kinds of drugs, so maybe it was going then too?  Or maybe the 60s started the war on drugs because they used too many, and someone finally had to do something...  Prolly, the baby boomers are so damn greedy about everything else, they prolly did up most of the drugs in the 60s and grew up to be lawyers and law enforcement that started the war.  I don't know how, but somehow that must lead to more money in their pockets because that is one of the many ways baby boomers suck.  I will save baby boomers for another blog entry though because I could go on and on about them.  I will try to stick to my points about the war on drugs here, being that is in the title and all.

Lets pretend for a minute that I am the President of the United States.  And lets pretend that I have already learned all the secrets that come with the office as well as ran around in the bunkers eating the salt water taffy and candy bars they hide in those in case of nuclear war.  Also, that I already nailed a couple of interns so I am pretty much ready to get down to business.  First thing I would do, after all that other rad stuff, publically address the war on drugs.

"Ladies & gentlemen of America, how ya doin, it's me, your president.  I am on the tv tonight to let you all know, the war on drugs, yeah, well, that's over.  We lost.  The drugs kicked out ass over and over again.  That shits flooding in from all kinds of other countiries, and half of you out there are making or growing the drugs yourselves.  Why should we fight you?  We shouldn't, and we are done.  Proabition was not the greatest move, at least we ended that faster.  What have we been thinking?  So, from here on out, it is all legal if you buy it from the store.  Any drug you want will be for sale at your local drug stores in the next few months.  Now listen, this isn't licence to go crazy.  If you haven't tried any drugs, feel free.  But I am guessing if you were interested, you prolly already scored some.  I will be diverting the trillions we were spending annually to fight this war into paying off the national debt, which is significant, but should also be paid off before I am out of office.  Also, there will be a tax on drugs sold, just like all the other rad stuff we tax, like tabacco, alcohol, tea, condoms, gasoline...it will be called the "feel good tax", and the only thing that won't feel good about it is paying it.  But you wanna smoke out?  You wanna do an 8 ball with your buddies?  You wanna get laid?  You wanna trip?  Fine, have fun, the feel good tax will also be going into paying down the debt.  After that, it will go into education...and building a way bigger and better white house with water slides and trampolines and one of those big fans that's so powerful you can fly around.  And possibly a masterbatorium.  In fact, come next week, I will roll by a drug store myself and pick up some weed.  As president, a fatty spliff would go along way now and then.  Anyways, war on drugs...over.  You're welcome America.  God Bless and good night."

I imagine there would be an uproar after I said I might smoke a j once they are legal.  Truthfully, I prolly wouldn't.  I don't like smoking that much, but that isn't the point.  The point is, people would be worried because the man with his finger on the button could be stoned.  I'll tell you what, if I was President, me being stoned is about the last thing anyone should worry about.  I would have my finger on the button every single day.  I would fondle it and lick it.  I would prolly teabag that thing.  One button that nukes the planet?  That is power.  I would make sweet sweet love to that button.  I would have Darpa scientist work with the dept of defense to make a mobile version of the button.  Maybe an iphone app of the button.  If I am sitting in a cabinet meeting, and I tell everyone the plan on a given subject, and someone starts to cry about what I say we are all gonna do, I pull out the mobile button, or MB, and I set it on the table.  I put my finger on it lightly, and I say, "if you all don't start agreeing with me, I will have to press this.  Is that what you want?  To blow up Russia?"  Prolly we would be talking about health care reform, or education or the feel good tax or something completely unrelated to Russia, but it doesn't matter.  The Russians will all die if people don't start seeing things my way.  I would have the button with me at the dinner table with my kids.  "Did you eat your veggies?  No?  I says to eat them..."  Again, here comes the MB out of my pocket and on to the dinner table.  "Listen kids, when I say to eat your dinner, I mean it.  If dinners don't start disappearing down gullets right now, this button is getting pushed.  Are you really gonna make me do what I don't wanna?!"

At the same time the scientists are making the button into the MB, I will have them install a dial. Everyone knows the Russians have a deadhand on their nukes, so if we bomb first and they are all dead, whatever nukes they still have will fire back at us.  They are Russians, of course they have that.  Besides, who gets mad at Russians anymore?  Those poor bastards are just watching their country fall apart, prolly because the f-ing baby boomers.  Why would we nuke them?  That's just mean.  The dial would allow me to switch our nukes to aim at China, North Korea, the middle east (yeah, pretty much the whole thing, it all seems kind of troublesome.  At some future time I might ahve the scientist make that more granular, but for now, the middle east as a whole is fine).  I would even have places like Mexico, Canada, Greenland, and Austrilia on the dial.  Who knows when those yahoos will get crazy?  Not me, but if they do, me, the MB and the dial will all be ready for them.

Knowing this, I imagine the American public will rethink their stance on weed smoking by the President.  That is, if I were President.  Maybe in another blog entry I will enumerate some of the possible roadblocks to me becoming President.  There aren't that many, but the few that exist are significant.  I can't wait to see all the alien bodies in Area 51!