Gay marriage...why gay dudes?

Gay marriage. Of all the terrible ideas I ever heard of, this ranks. Although on most subjects I blog about, I am an obvious expert. I am sure everyone totally gets that by now. However, on this subject, while I wish I was an expert, I have to say I am just a fascinated observer. I am comfortable enough in my sexuality to say, no matter how many trysts with muscley, hawt dudes I have, I am not now, nor have I ever been either gay or bi. I wish I was bi so everyone is a possibility, but alas, I am not. Any hawt, buttery man on man action I get is totally and completely straight. I know, too bad for me. So, I don't feel I can approach this subject with my normal confidence and expertise. For this, I hope you can forgive me. However, this does end up being a foray into science and law, and obviously those are areas I am well qualified to talk about.

So, gay dudes. Why the marriage thing? I know it isn't just the gay ladies hooking this up. It is always 2 dudes first in line to get hooked up when they make this legal for breif periods in California. I watch the news, I have seen all the gay guys in line. The world is your hawt, gay, buttery oyster. You can tell your significant other dude that you really wanna get hitched, but there is no legal structure to handle it, so it is out of the question. Which, leaves you availiable to hook up with a lot of other hawt, oily, slippery gay dudes, which is what gay dudes want. I can say this, as a guy, because I know all straight guys want is all the ass they can grab. Gay guys just want to get other guy ass, not lady ass. The math isn't difficult. Why gay guys? Why did you have to spoil your sausagefest by throwing marriage in there?!

Besides the obvious, formention problem with gay marriage, there are not so obvious problems. Clearly there needs to be language to handle this that doesn't not yet exist. The untrained observer probably thinks there is a regular pitcher and a regular catcher, so in the relationship, one is the husband and one is the wife. Though I am not as voyer here as I would like to be, I am going to venture a guess and say this is untrue. So, when I am talking to a gay married dude, and I want to mention his spouse, I can't really say husband or wife because those rolls are gender assigned and come in one each for every relationship. Husband and husband is not only confusing and non specific, it is also leeching off of straight relationship nomenclature. Though I am a master wordsmith, I am so far drawing a blank on what these new titles need to be. I generally like to modifiy existing words to fit my bastardy purposes. The words I am suggesting, however, do not exist as far as I know. Gay dudes, if you have to get married, which I am sad that you would stoop to this, I feel it is your responsibility to come up with language to cover this issue prior to being able to get married. It lets straight people address you in a normal fashion and we can pretend to be totally cool with what youre doing.

Last, and I am sure least of issues considered in gay marriages is the naming conventions. Heretofore, it was rare for a husband and wife to both be named terry and terri. While it happens, we can clearly tell the difference by the spelling. However, Roy McDonald and Roy Smith get married, now meet Roy and Roy Smith. Math is difficult and I don't want to bore anyone with complex equations, but there is way way more likelyhood of this happening now that dudes are getting married to other dudes. And you can't tell who is who by the spelling because they are both guys. Besides that this is confusing for the rest of us, it has an inevitable outcome. All kinds of guys running around getting called husband and husband, Roy Smith and Roy Smith. We will be so used to everything being all the same, human cloaning will suddenly be fine. Roy Smith and Roy Smith will go to the cloaning labs to get a couple more Roy Smiths. Who will bat an eye, there were already so many Roy Smith's running around, we won't even probably notice the cloaning has begun.

In short, I hope the gay people of America will reconsider. Go back to your hawt, buttery, gay orgies in gay dance clubs, and all the pole smoking gay action you can get! Commitment is a bummer, it is why straight people are divorcing each other in droves. Once married you will gain weight and start wearing sweat pants. Fat sweatpants are for straight people, that is why straight people like gay people, you dress well and take care of yourselves. Fat sweatpants gay guys don't get into buttery orgies. Just ask Al Roker. And for the love of all that is holy, if you have to get married, leave cloaning out of it.