Fortune Cookies.

About once a week, I eat at a place that serves fortune cookies with the meal. I have noticed a trend. Fortune cookies don't really tell your fortune, or any fortune. Not that I read my fortune and it doesn't come true, I mean the slip of paper inside the cookie isn't even a fortune. Below are some examples of "fortunes" with descriptions of what I believe the "fortune" actually is.

• Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise and balance. =advice
• A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short. =nonsense
• Life is too important to be taken seriously. =advice? Wittyness?
• No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. =arguably an axiom, probably a maxim or proverb
• If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. =truism
• The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. =witticism (although it might be telling of our fortune...or misfortune.)
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. = weak attempt at irony?
• Now is not the time to try something new.= advice
• You have a poor sense of humor and don't know a good time.=judgment
• You have an evil heart and are greatly despised.=judgment
• Failure surely comes your way= AN ACTUAL FORTUNE! And probably somewhat accurate...
• Your luck has been completely changed today= Another fortune! I like this fortune because it seems positive, but isn't necessarily. You might think you have bad luck, but you might in fact have a lack of luck, and what little luck you have is good. If your tiny bit of good luck completely changed, you would have a large amount of bad luck. Certainly, the change would cause you to appreciate what you had. Isn't there a proverb about appreciating what you had once it is gone. If not, than add -- Peteicus X to the end of that last bit, and now it is a proverb. You're welcome.
  

After eating many fortune cookies that produce no actual fortunes, I believe I will at one point start a business that does two things.

A. I will write fortunes for fortune cookies. Actual fortunes. Things like, "People will like you." "You will do well at your endeavors." or, "that dude you have been after will not like you back." Those are fortunes, and that will be my specialty. They might not be correct, but they are fortunes all the same.

B. I am going to develop a new line of cookies. A few new lines. I really dig the taste of current fortune cookies as I have mentioned before, so I might keep the shape and recipe. Perhaps I will color code the cookies so you know if you are eating a fortune cookie, a judgment cookie, a proverb cookie, and advice cookie....the only limit to type of cookies I can make is the colors of cookies I can bake up.

Whatever cookies break in this process is what I will use to make my fortune cookie cereal.

Summed up...

Your entire career, on a piece of paper the size of a credit card. I understand why they exist, if I go to a conference, or whatever, I want to be able to hand out my contact information hoping that the contact I make will help me get better contact information. Or I want to take contact information so the person I took contact information from can help me get new contact information. Maybe I will quit working where I work to work at a new place, or maybe someone can help me get ahead at my job enough so that I need a new business card that holds my new title. Director, Partner, CEO, CIO, Associate, Assistant Director, Coordinator, Project Manager, Lead, Technician, Developer, Manager, Executive Assistant, Customer Service Representative, Service Agent, Engineer, Supervisor, Controller, Clerk, Dispatcher...for awhile I was a Damage Adjuster. I adjusted damage. That was an enjoyable title sheerly because it had the word damage in it. A lot of titles, and they all mean something different. They are all words that signify action too. I guess that isn't true, really. There are waiters... Although they might not get cards.

Anytime I look for a new job, I have to write a new resume, a new cover letter, update a portfolio... (off topic: Who carries around a portfolio anymore? There isn't a correct word for what this has come to mean. The word portfolio is more about the case than what is inside it. Ironic this word has been misappropriated. When looking for new jobs, the searcher is more of a portfolio than anything else. Working is mostly about making sure you look good.) If I get a new job, among the first things the new place will give me is a new card. They summarize all the hiring documentation into a credit card size status symbol. "Thanks for all this paperwork, we are will to take a risk with you. Here is our summary of you to date." Why don't we wear these things as rank? Next new job I get, I think I am going to try and negotiate the title Viceroy. It isn't clear what I would be doing or why by my title. It sounds impressive, and wouldn't be easily stereotyped or pigeonholed. Viceroy it is.

Say you're sorry.

I don't purposely go around driving like an ass, well, mostly I don't do it on purpose, there is the occasional sidewalk that needs running over, but for the most part, I try not to endanger people in other cars. Pedestrians don't count. In fact, if you are walking across a street and too cool to pay attention to what might be coming at you, then you deserve to be removed from the food chain. That is evolution in action. I really enjoy the faces cool people make when they finally have to look at oncoming traffic to make sure they aren't going to die. They suddenly realize that, although trying to be cool and walk slow and not look at the giant truck about to rend them asunder, they are maybe about to die, and have to check and see if they should leap. It is a great moment on every pedestrian's face, but I digress.

I feel bad when I, say, change lanes without seeing a car behind me. Said car is almost run off the road. When the driver gets even with me, invariably I look over and try to gesture that I am very sorry for my actions, I didn't see his tiny Ford Focus back there. I try to signal with my hands that I will for sure look more closely next time and endeavor to do better in the future. As you probably well know, there is no set and agreed on hand signal for this. There is, however, a set and agreed on signal that the angry driver issues me. Everyone, I am sure, has at one time seen the hand motion for "fuck you" which is an obvious choice in this case for the driver of the Focus. Meanwhile, I am doing what looks like interpretive dance trying to signal all my aforementioned feelings of sorrow over my actions. I am sure to the driver of the Focus, my shrugging shoulders don't indicate sorrow, as intended, but indicate that I don't care I almost ran em off the road. Focus driver can't hear that I am saying how sorry I am for what just happened, most people don't lip read. But when angry, most people interpret the offending party to say something like, "well maybe you should watch where you're driving, Jackass"

Here is the new plan. When you do something in traffic by accident that causes someone else to be angry, don't shrug or talk, hold out the back of your hand, fingers extended and pointing down. That is the Quietus Oppugn method for singling that you are sorry for a mistake. One day I will post an explanation for Quietus Oppugn, but until than, just take my word for it. You will look very sorry...and dangerous.