Flushless Urinals.

If you worked in the same building with these things everyday, you would think a lot about them too. Above each one, so for dudes, as you are using this thing, you are staring at a sign stating:


I struggle with math in general, math is the so called difficult. It is even more difficult when I am holding my breath. What this picture doesn't capture is the wretched stink emanating from these urinals. I am sure that the oil they use in these in place of water is made from sorrow, disappointment and the lost souls of children.

Back to the math thing though, Out of the gate I am troubled when I say, there are 52 weeks in a year, and I multiply 52 by 7 and get 364. I thought there were generally held to be 365 days in a year, but whatever, nothing is perfect, not even math. So, we will figure that since I made these calculations, they are all rough, like my personality.

This, as previously established, is a state school, which means take the normal amount of work days a year, roughly 260 (52 x 2=104 weekend days, -364ish days a year) and subtract about 12 from that for the holidays we celebrate. The week off at the end of the year, the 2 days around thanks giving, Martin Luther King Day, President's Day, Spring Day, 4th-o-July, it adds up. So, we are all here roughly 258 days a year.

I don't know how much water the average urinal uses when you flush it. I am going to guess somewhere around 1/3 of a gallon. I seriously doubt it is that much, it is prolly far less, but taking a third makes the math more difficult and me far more prone to making a mistake, which is good times.

First, I will take 40,000 and divide it by 258 to get a number I can work with, you know, to sound smart. On my calculator, I get either .00645 or 155.lotsofothernumbers. I am going to go with the 155 because that sounds more like what I suspected. So, if a regular urinal flushed a gallon at a time, which it certainly does not, I would have to flush one 155 times a day, every work day, to use up 40,000 gallons a year. But more math to get closer to a real estimate. 155 x 3 = 465. 465 times a day a urinal would have to flush to use that much water. Seems unlikely so far. Now for the time trials....

I timed how long it takes me to use a urinal. I will say up front, I don't really get stage fright, however, I don't imagine I am the fastest person on the planet when it comes to unfastening the apparatus holding my pants closed. That's right, I said apparatus, and that's all you need know. Also, I let the timer go a few seconds long because I didn't need the other guy in there spreading rumors. So, all that to say individual results may vary. Rounding off for slightly easier math, I came up with one minute.

That means that in a 9 hour day, there is only 1 hour and 15 minutes when each urinal is not in constant use. This is an office building, not the stadium at the super bowl....

*cough cough bullshit cough* 40,000 gallons of year my ass. My scientific conclusion is, we are not saving enough water to make the stench worth it. Why not just fill urinals with salt water, that isn't potable anyways, and then maybe the bathroom would smell kinda like the ocean. It would make me wanna talk like a pirate.

Manifestos

So, I gave it some time, but it is still on my mind. Nothing funny about the most recent manifesto in the news. In fact, that sort of thing sucks. Nobody should have to get shot ever, except a short list of people I keep pinned to the wall in my closet by that alter I made with pictures of everyone on the list, but with the eyes poked out of the picture so they look like how I see them when I am sleeping, or when I hear voices talking about the people on the list and they tell me to picture those people...For whatever reason, they don't have eyes when I picture them. Weird huh? I think so too. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, writing a manifesto.

The Virginia Tech gunman was an English major. If the entire manifesto ever got published, I didn't see it. But what I did read of it, it was embarrassing...let's just say that I am considering finishing out my PhD in order to offer a manifesto writing class.

Read the Unabomber manifesto. I take that back, don't. I've read shorter books. A manifesto should be pointed. There might be a lot of good ideas in the Unabomber manifesto, but I wouldn't know, it didn't come with a table of contents or pictures or Cliff's notes. And I am sure as hell not gonna read the whole thing to find out if it has a happy ending when I can't even tell for sure what it's going to be about. There isn't even a cover with a picture. The part of it I read was very well written, but it didn't have a hook. Nothing exciting enough to keep me reading. 5 pages or less ought to do it. The shorter the better, keep it concise. If your manifesto has to outline a New World Order in great detail, then go ahead and write it all out, then write a synopsis. Keep the manifesto synopsis to a page or less about your New World Order, and don't be disappointed, I mean anymore than you already were that you felt the need to write a manifesto, when the synopsis is all people read.

The Virginia Tech manifesto was only 5 pages, and what's better is it was a multimedia manifesto. At least that is what Brian Williams called it 37 times a minute. Props for using pictures, although the picture with the hammer, really? If your manifesto has you going out in a blaze of glory, do your best not to look completely lame. Also, avoid the use of "they" and "them". Stop and think while writing your manifesto, "they who?" The voices? The Government? The Jews? Aliens? Gay people? Christians? The terrorists? Your roommates? Who is making you commit atrocities? If you tell us all you had to do these things, whatever terrible thing you plan to do, tell us all why it isn't your fault. What terrible wrongs you are righting, who is driving you, who is forcing your hand. Statements are more powerful when we are all clear on who is the tyrant and why you, the manifesto writer, are a victim. Don't get me wrong, I am sure anyone out there working on a manifesto right now is a victim. I am sure there is a tyrant, or tyrants. Not doubting your claims, just helping you make them more boldly.

I feel like I have given away too much of my course work already. It'll be hard to get you all in class for a full semester, and even more difficult to buy the manifesto writing textbook I have in the works, if I give away too much right now. At least this has you working on writing your manifesto more clearly and concisely and hopefully has you leaving out any lame pictures. I hope to see you all in class soon. And if you have time in your schedule, take my other course on interwebs chatting.

Oh yeah, I meant to tell you all, I am sure the FBI won't be keeping close tabs on everyone who registered for the class. Especially those who registered and then didn't show. Nothing to worry about here at all.

Alcohol and man love.

As mentioned in a previous post, I like the lemony beer. Often people remark that drinking it is less manly. Personally, I am ok with this. I know if I break the lemony beer bottle on the closest hard surface, the jagged glass I am left with will be every bit as sharp as with a normal bottle of beer. And, as it slices the person mocking me, I know it will come as a big shock that they are standing in a river of their own blood and sorrow caused by my so called "froofy drink" bottle. Tell the surgeon you were cut with the bottle from a froofy drink, I mean when/if your voicebox heals up.

The less than manly thing due to the contents of the bottle aside, I sorta don't get the name. Mike's Hard. I used to like Doc Otis, but I guess they went out of business, ground under by Mike's Hard. It is a great product, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy it. But Mike' s Hard? How did that make it off the drawing board? Don't you people have a committee that says "Mike's Hard might imply something other than hard lemonade." Mike's hard what? Personally, I am very secure in my sexuality, whatever it might happen to be today, but I feel a little ripped off by this. Maybe even a little cheap. "Yeah, hand a me Mike's Hard." It sounds very straight, just like two straight guys having hawt man on man secks. Just a couple of dudes doing what comes naturally when they are alone and naked with a stick of butter and some candles. None of that gay stuff of course, just very very straight man on man secks. Not that there is anything wrong with the gay stuff, it just isn't for totally straight guys...totally straight guys who are totally into other totally straight guys.

Along these same lines is another of my favorites. Captain Morgan. Got a little Captain in you? Do I have a little captain in me? No, I don't, but I bet the Captain has a Mike's Hard in him. Makes me feel like these two power house booze related icons get together one weekends. Mike's Hard has a little Captain in him and the Captain is having one Mike's Hard after another.
I should bottle a drink. I will take whatever fluid is left over from Mike's Hard and the Captain's weekend trysts and bottle it. "Manbutter" will be the name of the drink. My tag line might be, "Manbutter, drink it in the closet." Or maybe something more like: "Manbutter, ya know, for straight guys who like to hang around and party with other straight guys." Or "Manbutter, let your buddy spill this all over your face!"

I wonder what Mike's last name is? Why couldn't they just go with Smith's or Walker's. Leave the "hard" out altogether. We get that it has alcohol in it, that's why we find it with all the other beers and have to show ID to buy it. Or conversely, put it in a pink bottle with Hello Kitty on it and market it as real lemony for ladies and guys who wish they were. And Captain Morgan, you're a freaking Pirate. Change your tag line to "lets pillage for booty!" Or "The Captain says: Aye Matey, lets sack the ..." nevermind. They should replace Captain Morgan with a ninja who doesn't say anything at all, but quietly assinates you in the middle of the night. Ninja Rum! Die in your sleep! I would drink that for sure.

Catch and Release...

I am not much of a fisherman, nor am I much of a hunter. I imagine I could be. I am pretty sure I could bring down wild game armed only with a shiv and not just a will, but the will to survive. I picture myself sometimes, out in the middle of the wilderness, hiding in an ally, or wherever you hide in the wilderness, waiting to surprise a large animal with a bullet to the brain. It seems like fun. I would like to see the animal's surprised look. Who expects to get shot? No one, that's who. Surprise bear! I have an assault riffle.

Some people would have you believe that hunting is not fun. That it is in fact cruel. It seems odd to me that someone can't find the joy in killing some unsuspecting wild animal... Each kill should be considered a celebration of giant brains and opposable thumbs mixed into one delicious, deadly species that would otherwise be a soft, tasty treat in the food chain. But, far be it from me to be insensitive to those I don't understand, like straight people.

Some fisherman have a catch and release policy, which is not a bad idea. Although, when a fish is caught, a super sharp hook just gets yanked back out of there stomachs. I know a guy who I call "Jay" that I suspect does that hook thing for fun. But shooting an animal in the heart with an arrow that is all razor sharp with three prongs that twist like a corkscrew..well, that is more difficult to yank out of the animal before sending it on its way. I think catch and release hunters ought to hunt with a vet along. Really it is win win. The hunter gets the pure, wholesome elation of mortally wounding an animal wondering the wilderness. The vet gets to practice emergency procedures in a real life setting.

Say I am a catch and release hunter, and while ambling along, I see a bear. Of course I am going to take my 9mm and put 4 or 5 rounds somewhere around his neck because seriously, where the hell would you shoot a bear? Yeah everyone!!! I got him! Did you see the look on his face?!?! Surprise bear! Then, phase 2! The vet immediately rushes in with the bear med kit. Really, I don't know where it goes from there, but hopefully, without getting mauled, the vet will stitch the bear up and nurse it back to health. That way it will live for another day, when I can shoot it again.

Under Construction.

I pretty much spend my life in a building that's under construction. If you're going to be doing any construction to a building you occupy, or even if you work in a place that is about to undergo serious remodeling, demand to see the palettes before work begins. Even if work is almost complete really, you should demand to see them. Specifically, demand the smell palette. What you say? You don't even know what a smell palette is? Prolly neither does your builder, which means you need to educate them on what they need to supply. Each phase should have a smell palette. The demolition phase might have a palette that smells a lot like dust, and concrete. Maybe with a hint of electrical fire... Make sure to add cigarette smoke to the palette. (California has strict no smoking policies. I think it might even be illegal to smoke inside your own house. It's weird to smell cigarette smoke inside a public building, but the night time construction workers obviously smoke while working inside, so add it to the palette and give me no more lip). Also, add the smell of 2 week old fast food. Just do it.

The second phase should smell like disappointment. As deadlines get pushed back further and further, the smell of disappointment is palpable. Also somewhat indescribable, but I need the palette delivered to me. It is up to the builder to come up with the smell of disappointment, which I am sure is particular to each builder anyways. I need to know what I am going to be facing when the job is 2 or 3 months over due.

Waterless Urinals in the men's room? Lemme get a whiff of that swatch before I say yes or no. 40,000 gallons a year is a lot of water to save, on the other hand, if you can't flush it, why spend money on toilets at all, why not just put in a couple of extra drains in the floor. The smell test will be critical to this decision... Anyone who smells one of those urinals after it has been in business for awhile I am sure would opt to skip it and drive into the bad part of town and use the oldest gas station bathroom they can find. It would smell better.

I am prolly gonna want the smell of burnt metal as a swatch. I don't even know what they were doing to produce that smell, but it was there, and I would liked to know I was going to be subjected to that before hand. A variety of paint smells should be represented. I am sure there are going to be a lot of swatches that I smell first and go "what the hell is this?!?!" and then look at the description so I will know about where construction is when I smell it. The smell of new carpet mixed with a wretched stink that makes me dizzy means the rooms are almost ready to occupy. But the smell of electrical fire mixed with dead rodents and fiberglass means "don't open that door...seriously"

Boat Party!!!

Costco is crazy. If I was gonna have a boat party, I would have a few things ready. Obviously, I would have a boat. Prolly some beer, and some lemony beer. F-you, lemony beer is too beer, get your own blog. I would have bbq-ables prolly. I am sure I would have some chocolate around somewhere because that's how I roll. One thing that I would make sure that I had, is some water to put my boat in. Lacking enough water makes for one lame ass boat party. Turns out Costco objected to having a boat party in their parking lot anyways. I wonder if I can still get my money back for the thong I bought just for the Costco boat party?