Cereal rocks.

I am trying to get a loan right now for a fortune cookiee crushing plant. I want to build it somewhere outside the US to keep my operation costs low. Unless the entire plant can be run by robots that operate on solar power so the whole plant runs for free. I am still flushing all that out. Anyways, I am going to crush fortune cookiees which I will then rebox as cereal. It sounds delightful just thinking about it.

Oh, I know cookiees is usually spelled with one less e. But I like it better with two. And it is my blog.

Not for the faint hearted.

I will prolly make brief comments on this from time to time now. I have been baffled about this for too long. I expect that when I walk into a men's room, it isn't going to smell good. I have come to this expectation over many years of experience in wreaking men's rooms. Doesn't matter where they are, the nicest marble floored, high ceilinged swanky men's room to the hole in the wall New Mexico gas station men's room...they all exist in and exude some of the foulest odors imaginable. Which leaves me shaking my head at the mens room where I work. It often wreaks like it should, like all men have come to expect. But nothing can explain why it recently smelled like a tuna sandwich and chocolate cake. I didn't investigate, I sort of didn't want to know why. Seriously though, that isn't right.

real cheese vs fake cheese

yeah, another food post. I have a cheese hang up, I always have. I eat cheese, but it is unnatural... The cheese is, eating it doesn't seem one way or the other to me. But I will get to all that.
People say, or so I have heard, that the difference between real cheese and fake cheese is that fake cheese is "processed". Not being a cheese manufacturer myself, I can't say this for sure, but I strongly suspect that "real" cheese also goes through a process. I don't think, if there is even such a thing, that any kind of naturally occurring cheese substance is anything anyone would ever want to eat. I for one do not.
Fake cheese I suspect comes from a fake cow. By fake I mean shallow and vein. Like everything else shallow and vein, these are probably California cows. I bet fake cows are also responsible for soy milk. I wonder why soy milk isn't salty like soy sauce is? Salty milk would be gross. I am starting to feel sick thinking about it. But I digress...
Cheese is just weird. It isn't really solid. It isn't really liquid either. Some liquid things that turn solid go through a cheese like state as they turn solid. Like Bondo. I think a cheese state of matter should be added to the scientific description of states of matter. Solid, Liquid, plasma, vapor and cheese.
If I ever make a ray gun, like we will all have when we colonize Mars and fly around space, mine is going to have these settings:

• Sting: This setting will annoy.
• Burn: This setting will start out like vapo rub, but get progressively hotter until you rub it with aloe and butter.
• Stun: Obviously to stun & discriminate. Like getting drunk, suddenly and unpleasantly so.
• Melt: I like melting stuff, so I will need this.
• Obliterate: Just in case I run into space unfriendlys...and
• Cheesify: This is the one no one and nothing wants to get hit with. I feel oogy just thinking about something that is cheesified. The end. I gotta go throw up.

Explanation of how my luck works.

I think everyone is in line, as it pertains to luck. I am at the very far end of the line. Depending on what is happening, one side of the line or the other is pulled from. Example: If we are talking about winning the lotto, I am last in line. If we are talking about getting an exotic, strange illness, well, then I am at the front of the line. I think this is always true, unless we are talking about parking. I get good parking.

The New Pill, Part II

The new pill doesn't have to do anything else, but if someone out there has already started work on it, and you're thinking, 'I can so make a pill that will make the person physically closest to you nauseous by *insert scientific mumbo-jumbo here*, but I will have so much pill space left over that to make this a normal size pill, it will have to do something else.' I have thought about this a lot over the last few days, and I have decided what else the pill could do. If I could turn invisible when I want to, that would sort of rock. And no, I would not use my nauseating/invisibility pill to sneak into locker rooms, often anyways, I would use it to sneak away from the person I just made feel sick so I don't get throw up on my shoes. I might also use it to sneak on planes and get free rides to far away lands, however I would have to stay really close to someone other than the pilot.

Time capsules

Time capsules are a pretty sweet idea. Put some loot in a capsule, bury it up, and leave instructions for the next generation to uncover it and check out your loot. The sweetest part is opening it up. Seeing all your really new/really old loot. It is sorta too bad that if you make one, someone else will open it long after you're gone. Well, not anymore. I am making the next gen time capsule. Hopefully I will have these available soon on ebay. You get the capsule, put some loot in there, and bury it or just put it in a drawer, and as early as two weeks later, dig it up. I did a two week capsule with a can of deodorant, some pjs, a pocket knife and some m&ms. In two weeks, I couldn't remember what the hell I put in there, and when I opened it, happy birthday to me! My knife that I thought I lost, an almost new can of deodorant, some pjs, my knife that I couldn't find and, hell yeah, m&ms. If you put money in there, you should prolly bury it for longer, money is more difficult to forget about. If you want to bury something and dig it up two weeks later that feels dated and old, may I suggest a copy of In Touch magazine or a picture of Paris Hilton? These next gen time capsules admittedly work best if you are either ADHD, or have short term memory loss. However, if you are not afflicted, it can still be sweet. Maybe two weeks just won't be long enough for you. Also, the more trivial the items, the more quickly they are forgotten. Try not to think too much about what you put in, just grab whatever is close that is not car keys.

The New Pill.

Someone needs to make a pill that I can take, and it will make the person physically closest to me nauseous. Not me. Really, I don't care if the pill does anything else.

Office Cardio Workout.

I am working on my own form of cardio work out. I am sure you're reading this thinking, "finally, the office is where I spend most of my time. I have been needing someone to come along and develop a workout I can do here at work, I am so tired of my gigantic ass." Well, today is your lucky day. Here are the moves I have for you so far:

Move one: This isn't my meeting. Briskly walk up and down a hall, opening every door you come to, proclaiming to whoever you see inside, "this isn't my meeting!" leave abruptly and resume your brisk pace. Do this for 15 minutes.

Move two: Obsessive-compulsively pat down your person and belongs while muttering "where are my keys and my wallet?" Do this for 5 minutes.

Move three: Walk as far away as possible to get a new box of paper for the copier. Do this once a day, each time proclaiming, "I thought we were out of paper." One to two times per day, depending on distance of paper from copier.

Move four: Anytime you are going to a meeting, lunch, or anywhere really, with a group, and you are almost to your destination "I forgot something on my desk." Walk briskly back to your desk. Do this as often as is humanly possible.

Move five: Advanced. Add to move one. When you open the door into meetings, proclaim "this isn't my meeting!" But before leaving, acknowledge a few people in the room by acting like if you were closer you would grab the back of their head and knee them in the face. You will know what you are doing, you will be getting a fabulous workout and relieving stress, yet know one else in the room will understand your gesture, but will appreciate the shout out. You don't have to know anyone in the room to do this, if you make this move with confidence.

....This is a work in progress, but this is enough to work off some of the Christmas fat from last year, lazy bastard.