real cheese vs fake cheese

yeah, another food post. I have a cheese hang up, I always have. I eat cheese, but it is unnatural... The cheese is, eating it doesn't seem one way or the other to me. But I will get to all that.
People say, or so I have heard, that the difference between real cheese and fake cheese is that fake cheese is "processed". Not being a cheese manufacturer myself, I can't say this for sure, but I strongly suspect that "real" cheese also goes through a process. I don't think, if there is even such a thing, that any kind of naturally occurring cheese substance is anything anyone would ever want to eat. I for one do not.
Fake cheese I suspect comes from a fake cow. By fake I mean shallow and vein. Like everything else shallow and vein, these are probably California cows. I bet fake cows are also responsible for soy milk. I wonder why soy milk isn't salty like soy sauce is? Salty milk would be gross. I am starting to feel sick thinking about it. But I digress...
Cheese is just weird. It isn't really solid. It isn't really liquid either. Some liquid things that turn solid go through a cheese like state as they turn solid. Like Bondo. I think a cheese state of matter should be added to the scientific description of states of matter. Solid, Liquid, plasma, vapor and cheese.
If I ever make a ray gun, like we will all have when we colonize Mars and fly around space, mine is going to have these settings:

• Sting: This setting will annoy.
• Burn: This setting will start out like vapo rub, but get progressively hotter until you rub it with aloe and butter.
• Stun: Obviously to stun & discriminate. Like getting drunk, suddenly and unpleasantly so.
• Melt: I like melting stuff, so I will need this.
• Obliterate: Just in case I run into space unfriendlys...and
• Cheesify: This is the one no one and nothing wants to get hit with. I feel oogy just thinking about something that is cheesified. The end. I gotta go throw up.