The war on drugs.

I don't know when the war on drugs started?  Was it Nancy Reagen, or Billy Joel that started it?  Has it been going on longer than that?  I am sure I don't know.  I would say the 60s are famous for all kinds of drugs, so maybe it was going then too?  Or maybe the 60s started the war on drugs because they used too many, and someone finally had to do something...  Prolly, the baby boomers are so damn greedy about everything else, they prolly did up most of the drugs in the 60s and grew up to be lawyers and law enforcement that started the war.  I don't know how, but somehow that must lead to more money in their pockets because that is one of the many ways baby boomers suck.  I will save baby boomers for another blog entry though because I could go on and on about them.  I will try to stick to my points about the war on drugs here, being that is in the title and all.

Lets pretend for a minute that I am the President of the United States.  And lets pretend that I have already learned all the secrets that come with the office as well as ran around in the bunkers eating the salt water taffy and candy bars they hide in those in case of nuclear war.  Also, that I already nailed a couple of interns so I am pretty much ready to get down to business.  First thing I would do, after all that other rad stuff, publically address the war on drugs.

"Ladies & gentlemen of America, how ya doin, it's me, your president.  I am on the tv tonight to let you all know, the war on drugs, yeah, well, that's over.  We lost.  The drugs kicked out ass over and over again.  That shits flooding in from all kinds of other countiries, and half of you out there are making or growing the drugs yourselves.  Why should we fight you?  We shouldn't, and we are done.  Proabition was not the greatest move, at least we ended that faster.  What have we been thinking?  So, from here on out, it is all legal if you buy it from the store.  Any drug you want will be for sale at your local drug stores in the next few months.  Now listen, this isn't licence to go crazy.  If you haven't tried any drugs, feel free.  But I am guessing if you were interested, you prolly already scored some.  I will be diverting the trillions we were spending annually to fight this war into paying off the national debt, which is significant, but should also be paid off before I am out of office.  Also, there will be a tax on drugs sold, just like all the other rad stuff we tax, like tabacco, alcohol, tea, condoms, gasoline...it will be called the "feel good tax", and the only thing that won't feel good about it is paying it.  But you wanna smoke out?  You wanna do an 8 ball with your buddies?  You wanna get laid?  You wanna trip?  Fine, have fun, the feel good tax will also be going into paying down the debt.  After that, it will go into education...and building a way bigger and better white house with water slides and trampolines and one of those big fans that's so powerful you can fly around.  And possibly a masterbatorium.  In fact, come next week, I will roll by a drug store myself and pick up some weed.  As president, a fatty spliff would go along way now and then.  Anyways, war on drugs...over.  You're welcome America.  God Bless and good night."

I imagine there would be an uproar after I said I might smoke a j once they are legal.  Truthfully, I prolly wouldn't.  I don't like smoking that much, but that isn't the point.  The point is, people would be worried because the man with his finger on the button could be stoned.  I'll tell you what, if I was President, me being stoned is about the last thing anyone should worry about.  I would have my finger on the button every single day.  I would fondle it and lick it.  I would prolly teabag that thing.  One button that nukes the planet?  That is power.  I would make sweet sweet love to that button.  I would have Darpa scientist work with the dept of defense to make a mobile version of the button.  Maybe an iphone app of the button.  If I am sitting in a cabinet meeting, and I tell everyone the plan on a given subject, and someone starts to cry about what I say we are all gonna do, I pull out the mobile button, or MB, and I set it on the table.  I put my finger on it lightly, and I say, "if you all don't start agreeing with me, I will have to press this.  Is that what you want?  To blow up Russia?"  Prolly we would be talking about health care reform, or education or the feel good tax or something completely unrelated to Russia, but it doesn't matter.  The Russians will all die if people don't start seeing things my way.  I would have the button with me at the dinner table with my kids.  "Did you eat your veggies?  No?  I says to eat them..."  Again, here comes the MB out of my pocket and on to the dinner table.  "Listen kids, when I say to eat your dinner, I mean it.  If dinners don't start disappearing down gullets right now, this button is getting pushed.  Are you really gonna make me do what I don't wanna?!"

At the same time the scientists are making the button into the MB, I will have them install a dial. Everyone knows the Russians have a deadhand on their nukes, so if we bomb first and they are all dead, whatever nukes they still have will fire back at us.  They are Russians, of course they have that.  Besides, who gets mad at Russians anymore?  Those poor bastards are just watching their country fall apart, prolly because the f-ing baby boomers.  Why would we nuke them?  That's just mean.  The dial would allow me to switch our nukes to aim at China, North Korea, the middle east (yeah, pretty much the whole thing, it all seems kind of troublesome.  At some future time I might ahve the scientist make that more granular, but for now, the middle east as a whole is fine).  I would even have places like Mexico, Canada, Greenland, and Austrilia on the dial.  Who knows when those yahoos will get crazy?  Not me, but if they do, me, the MB and the dial will all be ready for them.

Knowing this, I imagine the American public will rethink their stance on weed smoking by the President.  That is, if I were President.  Maybe in another blog entry I will enumerate some of the possible roadblocks to me becoming President.  There aren't that many, but the few that exist are significant.  I can't wait to see all the alien bodies in Area 51!

things that are funny just to me.

There is someone where I work who, I believe, recently learned the word "fiduciary" which I think is a funny word to begin with. He seems to find occasion to use this word a lot. I don't know if he just likes saying it, or if it sounds important, or what, but I am glad he uses it because it makes me laugh.

I have a 40 minute drive, or so, to work everyday. I often look for ways to entertain myself as I don't have either a car stereo or cell phone and masturbating while driving is messy. This morning, I imagined I was in a spelling bee (which is comedy gold all by itself) and I had to spell fiduciary. It made me laugh because I imagined someone had given me all the words beforehand, so I knew how to spell them all exactly, but I didn't know what any of them meant. So, after I spelled it I had to use it in a sentence. I use my announcer voice to say "fiduciary" and then say thing like, "His car spun out of control; as a result of the accident he injured his fiduciary." Read the title again, I didn't say this was going to make you laugh, but I am dying right now.

After, I pretended I was preparing for a big, important business meeting by saying the word "fiduciary" over and over with difference inflections, tones and cadence. Pretending to look out into the meeting attendees and demand "who will take fiduciary responsibility for this mess?!" Then pausing for dramatic effect, then repeating the words, "fiduciary responsibility" then just "fiduciary".

Another of my favorite words is "priapism". To me, it sounds like a religion. Maybe to some people it is. When people ask me what I believe, I like to tell them I am a Priapist. I guess I say enough retarded stuff that no one asks...

These two words together are awesome. Fiduciary Priapism. Sounds important. It sounds like something that would be argued over by powerful and wealthy people in important meetings in conferences rooms on the top floors of tall urban buildings on cold rainy days. Like most important sounding nonsense that powerful people would argue over, this makes me laugh. In short, it is a Money Boner. I don't know what that is exactly, but whatever it is, it is funny to me.

Movies are pricey

I don't often go to movies. Why you might ask? Well, the reasons are various and complex. However, topping the list; I generally don't have the collateral it takes to get a loan so I can afford movie tickets. I am hoping you caught my wry, subtle sarcasm. I don't really take a loan for movie tickets, they are pricey, but that is crazy talk. I get my movie tickets the same way as everyone else. I perform degrading sexual favors for the big movie theater managers. Don't pretend you don't do it too...

Back in the olden days, I worked in a movie theater. It was a go nowhere job, but I enjoyed parts of it. Namely seeing every single movie that came through my theater as well as any other theater in driving distance for free. That was the redeeming part of that particular job. That and all the free candy I constantly found on the floor. Booyaaaaah, free candy baby!

These olden days I speak of really weren't that long ago, all things considered. The theater I worked in cost 5.50 for adult admission. I remember thinking, way back then, that the price to get in wasn't outrageous, but the price for food once you got in was outrageous. Entering a movie theater was like landing on a fancy island where you can only eat the local cuisine, and since it is a fancy island, well, the local grub is pretty freaking pricey. Being fancy and all. Expect for it isn't an island, and there was a Vons around the corner that sold the same snack food for "reasonable" prices. (I say "reasonable" because I accept the prices as marked. Some companies might mark their candy up 10,000% and I don't know it. If I did, I would have another entry in my blog about the astronomical margins on candy sales. But I don't know if that is true or not, and frankly I don't want to know, I like candy, I want to buy it. Don't ruin it for me. Sometimes ignorance is necessary.)

Since that time, ticket prices have gone up. Alot. I don't want to tell you what I paid for the last movie I saw. It is embarrassing. I really wanted to see the new crew on Star Trek though, so I did it. I have committed a number of sins in my life, but paying for that ticket felt like one of the sinniest sins. Once inside the theater, the first thing I see is a trailer how I should not pirate movies. I just shoveled out money to see a movie, and I am being told not to steal them. I have news. Big important news for the people trying to catch movie pirates. I already paid to see this steamer... Why would I go download it? Look somewhere else for the pirates. Like on a boat with a plank.

Their little trailer compares stealing a handbag or a car to stealing a movie. If you look at it from the stand point of doing wrong, stealing something big is just as bad as stealing something tiny. Like a Lego or a diamond. If you look at it from the stand point of getting punished for piracy, they should just list the possible sentencing along with the odds of being caught. If they wanted to show the reality of the matter, it would be a trailer that showed hollywood execs sneaking tons of money out of people's pockets while they are standing in line, and then it should show them laughing about it. Also, they should call some entertainment news show and brag about how much money they just snatched from you. If there is any piracy taking place, that is it.

Downloading movies is theft. Charging $12.00 a ticket is avarice. Both are bad. If you believe that two wrongs don't make a right, then you hate Robinhood. Why would you hate Robinhood? He stole from the rich, and gave the poor people boot leg movies. He was a good guy, wait, what?

From now on, movie theaters should charge you to get out. After all, movies are an experience type product, like eating out. Do I order my food, and then pay for it prior to eating it? No, I do not. And fast food isn't eating out, don't be disgusting. If I finish my meal, and I am not happy with how it all went down, I speak with a manager. I don't pay full price. In these situations, I get comped. Sometimes the whole meal. Sometimes my next meal at that restaurant is free as well. Movies need to be the same way. If I sit all the way through Transformers 2 (which I do not recommend you do. In fact, if Micheal Bay had anything to do with it, I recommend you set it on fire and hit it with Bibles) I should get to talk to the manager. Transformers 2 should not get to brag record ticket sales when everyone left the movie feeling like it was a crumby piece of crap. And I am not just picking on that crumby piece of crap, I am picking on all the crumby pieces of crap that slide out the megaplex bunghole of hollywood. When GI Joe is over, I am calling the manager and letting that person know that the movie I just saw was not as good as it appeared on the menu. In fact, it was awful. If you continue to serve it here, you will make people sick. I would like my money back, and I am considering never watching another movie in this theater again! How do I know they aren't all as bad as this one was. (I am pretending, BTW. I would never pay full admission to see GI Joe. What I hoped would be awesome I am pretty sure is the steamiest pile of turd out this summer. Magnificent.)

From now on I think I will down load all my movies. If they are good, I will send hollywood a little cash in the mail. A reasonable amount, like with the candy.

Data Security

Recently, I have been working with information having to do with data security. Not that I am any kind of expert, in fact for a change, I am not expert at all. I know very little about this one particular subject. However, it is interesting that some people give it a lot of thought. Interesting because others of us take it for granted. We shop on line and don't really think too much about the efforts and practices that went into making our transactions safe. We send our biggest secrets over chat and email with little thought to the security of it all. Wait, what? I am the only one sending secrets over chat and email. Crap. Well, anyways, you get my point. Not many of us think too much about the security of our data although we all probably should.

I was thinking about the imagery of protection. We all want protection from bad guys, but we don't like to think about what that might look like...it can be kind of frightening, or unwanted. Honestly, the first thing that I think of when I think of protection is condoms. Google image search thinks of that first too. Condoms keep us safe from viruses and other sorts of problematic issues. Also, condoms keep mules stomachs and large intestines safe from cocain, but those are bad guys. Or somewhere in the middle guys anyways.

I think of pad locks, chain link fence, razor wire, barking dogs... We are all taught to believe that police are our friends, yet we all instintively quit doing what we were doing when they show up, even if what we were doing wasn't bad. Don't lie, youre not fooling anyone, you know you do. Yes you, you do too. Everyone, even you.

Yes you do too, now stop before the cops get here.

As I was thinking through the different, fairly unattractive things, we depend on to keep us and our assests safe, I had a stunning and kind of sad realization. One of the worset fake events of the 70s happened because data wasn't protected well enough. I realize the evil empire being toppled was all in all probably a good thing, but R2D2 is a robot, and therefore amoral. Today he steals the plans to blow up the death star, tomorrow he could just as easily steal the plans to blow up city planet where all the jedis sit around doing cool jedi stuff. I don't know what would be worse than that, but whatever is worse, R2D2 is totally capable of it.

Too bad for the empire that they didn't practice better data security. Darth Vadar was a great evil empire leader, but sadly his big undoing was poor data security. All the lightsaber fighting, sneaking around, blowing up tractor beam generators, attacking empire outposts aside, the evil empire would have crushed the rebel resistance if they would have had and practiced better data security. That should be a lesson to what can happen if you let R2D2 around your data.

Everyone loved that droid for all his cutie whistling and brash rebelliousness. But he just lost a few notches in my mind. R2D2 isn't as cute as he used to be to me, he is a menace. If I ever meet up with him, I will slip a magnet in him, and every other droid who acts all cute. In fact, I am going to recommend that a data standard be set in place to make sure droids keep our of our business. I don't want anything of mine blown up on account of one.

Pharmacists count slow & hate people

Recently I was prescribed a few drugs for various health type issues I am having along with some procedures I had done. What is going wrong? Well, that is none of you're freaking business, but what I can tell you is it all caused me to spend a little time in a pharmacy.

On of my prescriptions was for 2 pills. 2. Like, 1 and then 2. For that I had to pay 5 bucks. For whatever reason, I want a pill that costs me 2.50 to be the size of half a sangwhich. It feels like a rip off when it is normal pill size. I don't care if it is 5mg of what I need and half a pound of baking soda to make the giant pill. Just make it bigger so I don't feel so ripped off.

The crazy part though, is dropping a prescription for 2 pills off at the pharmacy and the guy behind the counter says, "we can get this for you in 25 to 30 minutes." What? 25 minutes?! you have to count to 2! Although being told I have to wait 30 minutes for someone to count to two is completely unbelievable to me, I just go along with it like it is normal. That's what makes everyone think I am normal, I think. When really, inside, I am kind of a mess.

I am not good with math, or numbers in general really, but I think I could work in a pharmacy. I can count really fast. And really, I don't see that they do much else. The next prescription I dropped off the following day was for 30 tablets. This also took 30 minutes. They probably counted out one pill every minute. If I worked there, I would be a superstar for being able to count out 30 pills in about a minute, maybe 2 minutes to make sure i get the pills in a bottle.

I would understand if pills were the size of tires. If they were huge, they would require a warehouse. But pills are tiny. Maybe I would revolutionize the industry by organizing the pills. Maybe now it takes so long because they are in no specific order behind the counter? Maybe now all the pills are in a big barrel and the pharmacist has to dig through the barrel to find just the right ones? Maybe most of the wait is while they find the pills you need because they are hidden around the office like easter eggs? Who can say, the whole thing is so completely weird to me, but I pretend it all makes sense.

Once they have counted out the pills, a pharmacist wants to come over and tell you what each thing does and how to use it. "Now, these here are for your weeping anal fissures, just take one every 4 to 6 hours until the bottle is gone and that should really take the constant burning sensation off of your anus. These pills are for the rash you have...is this rash between your legs and in your arm pits? Well, take two of these a day with food and it will clear up all the redness and itching." Too bad they don't just give you a pill that doesn't make you feel shame and embarrassment from having all that explained very publicly. I like the look on the pharmacist face when I decline the explanation. They give me a piece of paper that details more than what they are about to tell me. Oh yeah, and my Dr just went over all this crap privately. They look almost hurt that they don't get to shout out what all is wrong with you for the world to hear. Only pill I will ever let a pharmacist explain to me out loud is if I ever get something prescribed because I have an inhumanly large erection and the pill is going to make it mortal sized for a couple of hours. Or maybe one that would calm my raging libido for a temporary amount of time. I really can't think of any other pills I would want explained so publicly to me.

Sometimes, I think the pharmacist might even be scared, I don't know why they don't ever decline. "This one will help you not throw up suddenly when you least expect it and this one will help calm your nearly uncontrollable rage disorder." Maybe that is an explanation they give while covered in a trash bag and standing 15 feet away while throwing your pills to you.

Pills are cool. And while I don't like being sick or hurt, I am always amazed a tiny tiny pill can do to someone my size. Pharmacists would be way cooler if they just learned to count faster.

fighting old people.

I realize it has been some time since I have posted. You go get a blog, and post retarded stuff to it for a couple of years and after that, I might listen to you complain to me about how long I sometimes wait between posts. Otherwise, shut your gob.

I was thinking the other day about getting old. I think about this often, I really thought by the time I got to be this age, I would feel like an adult, and I would know all this adult stuff about how to do grown up things. Like investing. Really, like anything having to do with paper work in general. Paper work is a black art, and I know nothing of the black arts. Taxes are a mystery, a veiled something or other that is so vague and beyond knowability that is it a something obscured by a something else. It is just that vague and unknowable. Perhaps it is paperwork that has to do with math? Frightening, but I have strayed from my point, much like an older person might.

I notice the older I get, the slower my recovery time for injuries. I get hurt, it feels like forever before things feel right again. I think that comes with age. Good times. It make me think, this has got to be part of the reason why you don't see old guys getting in fist fights. I am sure as long as there is at least an eye dropper of testosterone running through a guys veins, a fight could happen. It is the curse of being a guy. But as you get older, fighting sounds less and less worth it. Like, "if someone did that to me I would kick his ass...well, I would think about kicking his ass anyways. Someone should kick a guys ass for what that jackass just did." If I were better with math, I would figure a curve that showed the likelihood a dude getting in a fist fight dropping with each year that same dude gets older. I would of course name this curve after someone I think is a douche. Why would I name it after me, if I am 90, I will still be able to soundly put you on the floor, sonny! Or at least, those are the things I will shout at the orderlies in the old folks home.

Fighting is an interesting process as well. Not that fighting has anything to do with getting older, but again, you are reading my blog. Quit your yip yappin about me staying on subject, or I will drop you like a bag of dirt, sonny.

Fighting is kind of like dating, in a way. Before you call the cops, hear me out. And give me time to plan my escape.

Dating usually starts off with words. Just like fighting. There are usually a couple of people, and the words volley back and fourth. The words exchanged are leading somewhere...often toward a physical relationship between the two people. Sometimes even a legal relationship, depending on how far things go. First one will push, then the other pushes back a little harder. Often times there is a few more words mixed with a little posturing. Then, the first one pushes back even harder, and then it is on until the police show up and either haul you both off for assault, or public indecency.

Most older people that are not Hugh Heffener could do without dating. It is too much effort. Sort of like they could totally do without fighting, also too much effort. Maybe I should have entitled this post, old people are lazy.

Metallica

First, I have to say I am sorry. It has been like 6 months or something. I am not good with the math, but I haven't posted in a long long time. In all fairness, I have a few half written posts waiting to be finished. The best one so far is about cargo underpants... But you can see those when I finish them. The posts I mean, I am not actually sewing a pair of cargo underpants. I will hire a perfessional to make those.

Also, I have to apologize that after all this time, this is what I return with... I just witnessed it myself, and it is a spectacle to behold. I give you Avril Lavigwhatever covering Fuel, by Metallica. Honestly, that would be bad enough all by itself. But, metallica is watching her performance and seem totally into it. What? I don't know how that can be either. Possibly they have lost their self respect? Possibly they never had any? Who can say? Lars and his wooden shoes are air drumming a mean version in the front row, I dare say he is more into Avril's version of that song than his own bands version. Pathetic. And seriously, are the rest of them playing air guitar? Who does that? I mean, really, who does that? This is the craziest thing I have seen in a long time, and I see crazy stuff almost every day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40Grq0epcLc&feature=related

Watch it for yourself and weep my friends. This video is akin to God himself coming down from heaven and using his own name in vain. And then telling us, "eh, go ahead, it's cool."