Hornswoggled.

If I was at a bar, and the special lady friend I was romancing that evening suggested we leave and go back to her place, she had in mind to give me a good hornswoggling, I wouldn't be able to collect my things fast enough. I don't even know what a hornswoggling is, but it has to be good right? A Hornswoggling, how could that be bad? I can't wait to tell my friends how I hooked up and got an incredible hornswoggling....

Turns out, getting hornswoggled means you will wake up 3 days later packed in ice in the bathtub of an abandoned house. You will be minus your wallet, most of you clothes, your dignity, your pride, part of your spleen and a kidney. Seriously, you don't want to get hornswoggled. I still don't know what they were talkin about in the Black Eyed Peas song My Humps, the whole milk and the coco puffs thing, but in light of this, I don't think I wanna know.

I gotta go.

I know not all of you reading this will understand. I am pretty sure my readership numbers in the millions, and out of that I bet there are a few women who read and follow along. I don't mean to leave you out here ladies. So, I will include a test so you have some idea what I am talking about. Go to the urinal test and take it. You might not understand how it all works, but at least you will understand that there is a madness at work.

And about that test. Whoever decided the answer to number 5 over thought. That answer is incorrect. The reasoning the test gives is that you are "coupled" with user 2 if you choose space 1. Not true. If you choose space 3 or 4, you are out in the open when you don't have to be and further, you are taking a serious chance of ending up next to two other men, and you are threefered with one group. If you are a dude, you know this is the worst possible scenario, which is in fact, revealed in the next question. You take number one, you face into the corner. User 2 was there when you got there and well undoubtedly leave before you, in which case you will be in an ideal situation. Anyone who has stage fright knows this for sure. You act like there is trouble with your zipper, user 2 walks away, and....sweet sweet relief. Notice question 3 doesn't have you in locations 3 or 4? That is what makes position 1 the right choice in question 5.

All this to say that, where I work, the bathroom closest to me has 2 urinals right next to each other. Do bathroom designers not study bathroom traffic? I would think this urinal situation would be fairly common knowledge, textbooky kinda stuff. I asked my friend, for the sake of anonymity, I will call her "Anita". "Anita" is one of the world's top architects, and she says egress and ingress issues and how they are handled depends on the city in which the building is built and weather that city mandates use of the International Building Code or the Uniform Building Code. Now, technically speaking, the number of urinals in a men's room isn't ingress or egress, but how you get to them and get away from them is. Maybe the number and why there would be 2 rather than 3 or 1 has more to do with occupancy numbers or some other variable. But 2 urinals? Really that means money was wasted on a urinal. There might be 2 there, but if one is occupied, that means the other is unavailable. I don't care what the emergency is, no man is going to occupy the second urinal. It just isn't going to happen. So why are there 2? Vexing. I am vexed. There are companies that make urinals that will paint a fly or some other target in a urinal because they have studied the whole bathroom situation enough to know that if they give men a target, men will aim at it which means less mess and less clean up. I have to wonder why the scientist who set up a bank of urinals and wrangled a bunch of drunk guys in to test out the splashy results from the targets couldn't help but wonder why there had to be a space inbetween each drunken, pissing study participant? You would think a scientist would notice a thing like that and want to study that next?

Bumper stickers.

I was kinda thinking I might make this a reoccurring theme. There are so many out there that need commenting on. I don't personally have any, nor have I ever felt the need to use the back of my car to make a statement. Maybe someday I will feel the need and will get some bumper stickers, but for now, they are for other people to stick on, and for me to read and wonder why they did.

Today's installment brings us "Jesus is my copilot". I am not going to be the person to say Jesus didn't live. I am not even going to be the person to say that Jesus wasn't born a virgin birth, walk the earth a sinless man for 33 years, get nailed to a cross to forgive the sins and transgressions of the entire human race and rise again after 3 days to ascend into heaven and serve as the intercessor to humankind when they pray to God or that he won't come back one day to receive his children into heaven. That is your copilot? He has returned to earth in human form to look at the map and give you directions on the way to work, maybe to hold your coffee? The Son of God, Jesus of Nazareth is in your Landcruiser presumably telling you to speed and cut people off? Or maybe the speeding and cutting people off is the drivers idea while the copilot just holds the coffee?

If Jesus really came back to earth, and came to my house and said, "Look, I need to be a copilot and you're the man to drive me around dwag" And I knew it was Jesus for reals because his drivers lic or ID card said Jesus Christ Son of God Hair: Brn. Weight: 180 Height: 6'2" on it... I would cram other people in my car. I would make sure wherever I went, there were other people with me because JESUS IS IN THE FRONT SEAT! Who doesn't wanna question that guy? What was hell like, really? You never sinned? Not once? No sex? Not even lust in your heart for a lady? Really? I would want Jesus to do the driving really, I don't want to speed or make an illegal right hand turn or say, hold on Jesus, I gotta flip a bitch here, and run the risk of having him erase my name from the Lambs Book of Life and forever bar me from heaven. Plus, it would be a chance to see his sinless nature in action. Not accidentally breaking the speed limit, not needing to throw a soda at another car whose driver is less intelligent then a fern, not taking matters into his own hands when cut off by someone with a cell phone.

I think if the bumper sticker were true, things would be different, that is all I am saying.

Lottery

By lottery, I am not talking about where you pay some money to loose a statewide game, like the state lotto, I am talking about an event or an affair whose outcome is or seems to be determined by chance. I am sure your mind also went straight to law enforcement. This morning on my way to work I saw a police officer on a motorcycle hiding behind a tree on the on ramp I was using to enter the freeway. It was a scene straight out of the dukes of hazard, all except for there weren't two hicks jumping an orange dodge charger over the freeway blaring Dixie.

We, as a citizenry, pay the police to enforce the law. I don't know exactly when the first state government body decided that cars were going fast enough, and laid out speed limits to ensure a source of income, but I can remember there were speed limits as far back as the 1970s which is a long long long time. I am going to presume that speed limits are even older than that. In all that time the police have come up with some pretty high tech ways of enforcing the law. For instance, use a motorcycle to hide behind a tree in order to catch a single speeder out of a freeway full of speeders. I entered the freeway doing about 35 mph with a burning desire to be the Paul Revere of the situation and alert everyone to the hiding policeman. However, to avoid getting hit, I quickly brought it up to 65, but still got passed left and right, which made me wonder...Which speeder is that policeman after?

I never did find out. I was long gone by the time that officer made his move, if he even made his move. Nope, I didn't get a ticket. This isn't a bitter rage against the law enforcement machine. I realized I don't understand why we pay cops so well to do such a crappy job? Sure, they put themselves in harms way to keep me safe every single day. Know why? Because they are doing the same thing police have done since the first cop sat in a donut shop racially profiling people. Police should be back at headquarters building super awesome crime fighting machine 2000! Which is of course a robot drone that could hide behind a bush to catch a single speeder out of many. Maybe the robot could match drivers faces against a state database in real time so he could catch speeders that were also having a birthday that day, just to teach them a lesson.

I don't favor a police state where every move that anyone makes is monitored and any law that is broken is immediately punished. But doesn't it seem like, for the money we pay for a police force, they would have in turn come up with a really efficient way of getting mundane tasks completed? Why don't the police, or the federal government, set aside money for law enforcement R&D? And why do we still have pesky speed limits? No one likes getting speeding tickets, and everyone I know including me speeds. Then the money from our speeding tickets goes back into the pool of money that gets used to pay a cop to keep hiding behind a tree, catching whoever he or she decides is the worst offender at that particular moment.

I say we quit hiring police types. We have enough overly-testosteroned, controlling brutes with guns hiding behind trees and saying things like "I am hooking up the perp" or "7 mary 5, we are in hot pursuit of a cheech, code blue!". Our new force should be the scrawniest nerds this country has to offer, hot pocket eating docker wearing nerdly nerds. They will feel so picked on by our current brutish police force that they will have robot replacements snapping towels in locker rooms in a year, maybe less. I can't wait to try and talk a robot cop out of a speeding ticket.

Click.

It turns out that the people who wrote the movie Click have a time machine. I know, I am pretty surprised about it myself. I write a blog entry about bed bath and beyond and a short time later my little brother (who is in fact, not really very little at all) tells me that the whole bed bath and beyond thing was done already in the movie Click. I can already hear the phone ringing and I haven't even published this entry yet. He didn't really tell me that, he just kept saying, "did you see click yet? It's a good movie, you gotta watch click, put it on your netflicks yo, come on, it is time to watch Click." that is more like what he said. Then, he bought the movie and brought it over so I would watch it, and what do you know, they somehow ripped me off, timemachine having blog ripping offing jackasseses.

Being that they somehow totally stole from my blog, I feel I can't say much positive about the movie. Well, I can say the bed bath and beyond part was kinda funny, since they ripped off the basic premises from the future, my blog specifically. And I have to give Christopher Walken his due, the man's a genius. Anything will be a little funny because he is in it. I used to like Sandler, but now that I know he makes enough money that he can travel through time...I don't know. He is prolly using his time machine to do the whole used car thing too. So, in short, don't see Click. Whatever money you were going to use to watch this film, just paypal straight to me. I think that is fair.