Zombies!

If you find this blog sometime in the distant future and you're somehow using it to try and figure out our calendar and what years have passed, let me reassure you: We experienced both a 2013 and a 2014.  I was just busy then.

Lately Zombie shows and movies have been all the rage.  And by lately I mean kinda for the last 10 years or so.  Slow Zombies and fast zombies, walkers, rotters, the dead, whatever you call them, they are so hawt right now.  And their hawtness gets me to thinking...How would a zombie invasion start...

Most zombie stories seem to catch the zombie apocalypse already in progress.  While some try to figure out how all this zombie business started, others find people just trying to survive it all.  Either way, we always find those surviving foraging for food and weapons and safe houses and havens and water and vehicles across a post apocalyptic landscape.  We are too eager to accept the situations presented as everyday life when people just somehow turned to zombies.

I don't really care what scientific catalyst kicks the entire thing in motion, so lets just go with some new strain of an existing illness because really, who cares?  I don't.  The flu takes a left hand turn, suddenly now when people die, minutes to days later they stand back up and want to mostly wander around completely aimlessly until they see something alive.  That seems to be the one conscious thought zombies have.  They know they want to eat living things.  Living things with a pulse, vegetables do not interest the zombie, even if it is a corn stalk is swaying in the breeze, the zombie doesn't care, zombies are strict carnivores.

So, someone gets the zombie flu.  They die. Lets say it is like most deaths, and loved ones are there and sad.  Some hours have gone by, the death has been reported, those who care for dead bodies come to undertake your loved ones mortal coil so you don't have a corpse in your living room.  I sort of picture it kicks off when your zombie loved one sits up and bites those caring for your loved ones body.  It is a pretty big jump to go from this to a pandemic.  Even if zombie number one mauls, somehow, more than one of those caring for the body, they are then dead and one single zombie is on the loose...also assuming those putting the body on ice didn't have the body restrained in any way and also that they were caring for said body with a door wide open.  Zombies don't use door handles.

I don't know about you, but I see someone lurching toward me, acting all weird making a bunch of zombie noises, I don't stick around.  But lets say zombie number one wanders from mauling the undertakers straight into a sushi place.  Those always have a lot of people in them, but never much room.  Zombie bites someone and takes a chunk and then someone else for another chunk.  I am going to say that some hero in the sushi place is going to take the zombie down.  Maybe just sit on the zombie until the cops come.  Cops come, ambulance comes.  Cops and ambulance drivers talk  about how they have never seen anyone do what zombie number 1 just did.  They cuff zombie 1 and try and sedate him.  But because he is dead, zombie doesn't sedate.  Zombie has no pulse and no blood pressure.  Ambulance drivers know they are seeing something new.  Cops should know too.  Even if they don't know to describe zombie 1 as a zombie, I am going to guess they quarantine at the very least, zombie 1 and those who were bit.  Maybe zombie 2 and 3 turn and bite cops, but then cops go into quarantine too.  Zombie apocalypse is now over, you can all go home.

Even if it is an air born disease and later people from the sushi place die at home, turn before morning, infect their family before shambling out a window, how did we get the super market full of zombies?!?!  Who feels so sick they are literally about to die, so they run to the grocery store really quick for a cup of noodles?  And then I guess that person dies in the grocery store, wakes up, bites every single person in the joint, the doors lock shut, and later that's what we come across looking for the last vestiges of processed food...the post apocalyptic zombies in grocery store scene is never going to happen.  It just wont.  Anyone who feels so sick they are going to die doesn't go to the grocery store.  Same with restaurants and bars.  Those will mostly be empty during the zombie apocalypse.  Houses should be loaded with zombies.  That's where sick people go.  Home.  Or to the Dr.'s office or the hospital.  Those should also be loaded with zombies.  Grocery stores and malls and bars?  Not so much.

How are all those zombies wearing clothes?  Not to be gross, but if a zombie has spent a year rotting and wandering in the hot sun and the rain and whatever else (I have already dialed it down so low that these things could happen) wouldn't their clothes get caught on something and rip?  Zombies aren't careful.  And wouldn't there be WAY more zombies in pajamas because they felt like crap prior to becoming zombies?  In any of these shows, and seriously, not that I am dying to see this, I have yet to see a naked zombie.  NO ONE died in the shower?  No one?!  No zombies clothes finally fell off?  Seriously I am happy that the clothes stay on, I don't want to see a rotting, naked zombie.  It's just to say that even if I accept that zombies can totally happen, and the whole thing can totally get out of control, some zombie, somewhere, has to end up naked.  Woof.

In closing, I enjoy zombie shows, I just think zombies happening is, speaking both technically and professionally, super duper unlikely.  But given the unlikely happens, I think even more unlikeliness happens from there.

I like to think that movie with Tom Hanks and his good friend the volleyball could have been a zombie movie.  It's just he was trapped on the only safe place left on the planet, meanwhile everything was a mess because of zombies.  I think I could write an excellent alternate ending to that movie with a surprise twist no one sees coming, unless you read this blog already...  If I ever crash land on a Fed Ex cargo jet on a remote, uninhabited island and only have a volley ball as a friend, I am going to assume I had the best luck ever because everyone that isn't my island is wall to wall PJ/naked zombies.  Good thing I crash landed!