More Wordsmithery

Bill wordsmithed this.

Resembulance: A vehicle intentionally disguised as an ambulance for the purpose of moving swiftly through traffic.

Word Smithery

I like to smith new words and new meanings.

Metawork: All the work that is created purely because you are doing other work. IE, You're going to do a project. All the documentation that goes into the project is metawork.

My Newest Patent

I am going to patent the most ironic device ever. The Antitechnology Device. The device will have two probes that can be stabbed into any technology. Once attached and activated, my device will render any advanced technology to its most simple form. Your computer? An abacus. Your Ipod? Magnetic wire. Your car? A unicycle with a stone wheel. Your digital camera? A reflective pond.

If you don't want to reduce a piece of technology to its lowest form, you will have to get the Antitechnology Device Prohibitive. You can dial it back more slowly. Your cd player with the ATD Prohibitive? A phonograph. Hit it again? Magnetic wire. Your digital movie camera with the ATD Prohibitive? A Super 8. Hit it again? A reflective pond.

If you need the highest amount of granularity possible, the ATD Exorbitant is for you. Your cell phone with the ATD Exorbitant? A bigger cell phone. Hit it again? A cell phone the size of a lunch box with an attached handset. Hit it again? A yellow wall mounted land line with a rotary dial. Hit it again? Crank it up and yell into the horn looking mouth piece. Hit it again? 2 cans with a wire. Hit it again? A camp fire with a wet blanket.

Although I have not yet completely developed the algorithms and inner workings of the ATD, the patent should be no problem. For me, the last paragraph is my favorite.

Other gym equipment

Who is up for the dip thong? Slide the thong on, which is tethered via heavy elastic bands to the floor. The thong will stay on you because it is tiny and very very tight. You will do a dip, like normal, but because of your special thong outer wear, it will be super hard. And by hard I mean doing the dip will be extra difficult.

Gym equipment

Going to the gym 3 or 4 times a weed and making the effort to work different muscle groups each visit can get...well, tedious. Mind you, I am not a Doctor. But I think perhaps working all your muscles at once, in a grueling or potentially fatal workout, is the way to go. When your fight or flight instinct kicks in, your workout will be incredible. So, I am going to invent The Gym Sock.

You will have to climb up a latter to get into The Gym Sock, the sock itself will most likely be filled with sand, but it could be filled with something just as heavy but more useful, like silicate. Once you drop down inside the sock, the weight will immediately begin to crush you. you will use every muscle in your body to fight against the sock in order to continue breathing. That is it. No carefully counting out reps, no finding the right dumbbell, no waiting for the machine you need in the middle of a work out, no spotter necessary, only your innate will to live is needed. Tune out, drop in, fight for your life.

Hard copy porn.

I will tell you why, in the day and age of internet porn, porn magazines still exist. You can't laminate a computer and take it in the shower with you.

Death Business

Not really that funny, but a good idea none the less. Start a business that helps people conglomerate their lives so if they die, everything is in one place and can be easily taken care of. Maybe lawyers already do this now, or maybe they don't. I didn't do any research on it. It is just an idea, and if you're gonna steal it, then you have to do the leg work, bitch.

All NEW! Low Res Printer...

Wouldn't it be nice to create fake news paper articles about people you don't like:
"Local man caught in sex scandal with monkeys." and
"embezzlement charges dropped in face of much more serious and bizarre crimes." and
"Cadaver Penis found, local man charged."

Or, fake news articles about yourself"
"Local man given humanitarian award" and
"Local man recognized for blah blah blah good stuff" You get the picture.

But now if you create one, you have to print it up on regular note book paper and a sweet laser printer, or at worsest a nice ink jet printer. It won't look authentic at all. Hopefully, soon, we will be releasing an ultra low grade printer that will print that cheap, smudgy ink like news papers use. Also, it will only print on that crazy thin paper news papers use. Last, we will include a pair of scissors you can use to cut your fake news paper to give it those news paper ridges along the bottom. You can be using this kit to print fake news paper articles about hated co-workers and about yourself in no time.

New sayings...

These phrases sound like something else. They need new meanings:

"Dent the Fender" and "Testing the Licorice"
Possibilities:
"I really dented her fender"
"It is painful, but nice, when I 'dent my fender'"
"It is disgusting, they are really into denting each others fenders"
"I hate for such a young person to dent a fender so soon."

I am not even going to write possibilities for testing the licorice.